I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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I love the National Park Service.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
work smarter, not harder
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.