I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Not😆🤣
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.