I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
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Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.