I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
You Might Also Like
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
(Jupiter –
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions