I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
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Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Who chose this font
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high