I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.