I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
He took my last fry, your honor
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes