I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
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Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.