@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

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@Mormonger

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@thejamietighe

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

@UnFitz

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

@ArfMeasures

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

@Goldishocks

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

@iwearaonesie

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

@Truculent67

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you