I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”


Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.


If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.


“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid


Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.


Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.


I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.


Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.