@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

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@AlisonLeiby

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

@longwall26

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

@karanbirtinna

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

@TheAlexNevil

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

@dubiousrhetoric

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

@MsLisaM

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.