
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you