I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great