@JasonNotEvil

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

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@InternetHippo

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

@hogrider05

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

@Darlainky

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

@kirkfox

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

@OmgMeDamnit

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@jjhartinger

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

@sliver_of

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.