I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation