I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked