I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
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i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
This classic never gets old . . .
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!