i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Catercrombie & Fish
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no