I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
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When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.