I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
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At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy