I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
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They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
This one’s “Alex”.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Bootstraps
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.