I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants