I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

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Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!


Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.


Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”


If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.


Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.


They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…


ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.


Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”


[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.


‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.