Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.