I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

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[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.


*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.


[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”


[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm


Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach


I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.