I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Ion see the issue
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
sigh
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.