@OneFunnyMummy Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
@TurboJellyBean I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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@OneFunnyMummy 
@david8hughes [me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
@PrettiestPickle I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
@joeislamo *at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
@murrman5 [determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
@WilliamAder Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
@fro_vo [god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
@MrEd_EVH Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
@batkaren Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
@SondraDeeMe I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.