Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
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Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.