@TurboJellyBean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

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@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

@joeislamo

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

@murrman5

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

@fro_vo

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

@MrEd_EVH

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

@batkaren

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.