I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
You Might Also Like
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
this is the news I live for
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush