I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
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Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.