I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
me after eating Cheetos
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]