Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

Animal poetry

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage