I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
![]()
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Animal poetry
![]()
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage