I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
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Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I’m pretty like a car crash.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.