I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
nyc:
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.