I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

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future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming


I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.


Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.


“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987


Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,


My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”

You guys just tried it, didn’t you?


They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.


[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.


My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail