i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw