Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.