I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
The Others (2001)
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”