I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.