I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

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“I’m going to work.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.


911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza


I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest


6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)


Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.


In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.


I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”


Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…


“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops


The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.