I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.