@BlindVigil

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

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@UncleDuke1969

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

@basic_afbitch

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

@KevinFarzad

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

@internetluke

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

@ozzyunc

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

@dumbbeezie

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

@JohnHilsen

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.