I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person