I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.