I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.