I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.