I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I occasionally drink every single night.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Well, shit
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I wish this was real life…
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?