I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
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[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
this came to me in a vision
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
concern
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.