I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator


ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle


No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.


What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?


WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt


There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!


80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”


They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.


If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.