I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
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mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Check your privilege
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
This did not end as expected.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.