I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Tell me you get it…🤣
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship