I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
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Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
just witnessed a drug deal
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?