I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?