I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
You learn something every day
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”