I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.