@kimtopher22

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

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@UncleDuke1969

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

@samalmightysam

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

@Social_Mime

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

@batkaren

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

@QwertyJones3

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

@Thuggedraccoon

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

@dorsalstream

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

@Kauaibride

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.