Wife: Wait here.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: You should get tested.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.