I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”