I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.