@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

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@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

@causticbob

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

@StinkyGr33n

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

@chrisscarlette

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

@ambient_soup

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

@notacroc

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

@mjkspeaks

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

@pplwtching

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?