I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
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That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
True
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.