I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
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First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”