“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.