I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
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I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.