Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?