“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.