I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Just so funny
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I have a black belt in leather