I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
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I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
fourth time’s the charm
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty