Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.